Bullets on a Day Off

• How I responded to my brother's asking-for-advice email:
  
  All due respect to you, I think your suffering and
  misery has become a kind of drug to you, and I don't
  think you have any intention of letting it go or
  trying to figure out what it truly is, or means.
  
  I'm so curious about that, too, lately. I mean, why do some
  people have the impetus to try to uncover meaning in
  their life's suffering, and others become enemeshed
  with it. Both are life-giving, I suppose ~ the
  sensations, I mean, and I think it depends on the
  nature of each person, and I guess what their role is
  to be played out in the short time they are here.
  
  But, my response to your email would be: Our deepest
  wounding is what returns again and again to us through
  life, with the potential as salve to heal it if we
  choose to see it that way. Your deepest wound is the one that returns to you again
  and again, and it does this in painful ways with women
  in order for you to recognize the pattern so you can
  take steps to heal it.

What a Know-it All.

• I am drinking Tea. The Chai kind. It's green tea and I don't know what makes it Chai. It's by Stash and I think they have really the best tasting tea I've had in a teabag
• Imaginary mind conversation:

Me: Why do you think that certain animals know how to do something and others don't? Ok like why do Penguins know to go to the sea when they lay their eggs? Ok and why do they migrate there and stay in those frigid temperatures? And sit on their eggs for weeks to keep them warm? Why don't they just start migrating South? They could be in California in no time.

Imaginary voice: Well, ---------.

Me: Ok, but why? And why do certain animals nest low like the Killdeer? Why does this bird, which can fly, why does it nest on the ground and have to do all that dancing around to keep predators away from the nest? Why don't they just start putting their nests in trees, up high? Where they could be safer huh? Why?

Imaginary response: -------

Me: And ok, here is another thing. Why are trees so damned inefficient? Why don't they just grow STRAIGHT. AND why do old people drive the wrong way on the freeway sometimes? Why don't whales start eating bigger fish so they get full faster and feel satisfied longer? Ok. And why do people in Africa keep having more babies with AIDS? Oh and you know, I think I don't get why Giraffes don't start eating off the ground now and start developing shorter necks. Those long necks seem pretty conspicuous when there are Lions around...

Imaginary response: Ok shut up. Maybe it's just in the nature of things to do things the way they know how to do them.

Me: Oh.

• Reading: A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
• Music stuck in my head: Nick's song called Why Short Songs here:
  http://www.myspace.com/experimentalpercussion
  
• Wondering: How people become good at something. Wondering how they know they are going to be good at it. Wondering how they develop a love for something or how the love for something seems inherent in them.
• Finishing: The book "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee with Lea. She loves it. She loves that I read it to her not only with voices but voices with a Southern accent.
• Strange memory boink: When the hamster downstairs in her cage gets in her wheel and starts whirling around in it it sounds like the coffee-maker in my parent's kitchen and it makes me miss my mom. I remember this one time when I was a teenager I was laying on the floor in the living room watching television with my parents. I was curled up on my side and they were sitting behind me in their chairs. I heard my mom say, just out of the blue, she said, "I love you Karen." I looked up, turned my head to her and said, "Why did you say that?" And she said, "I was just thinking how one day we will be sitting here and your little body won't be curled up there on the floor watching t.v." I layed back down and silent tears poured out of my eyes even though I willed them away, and I hated her for making me feel this way, for making me want to go to her (even though I'd never do it) and lay my head in her lap and weep for inevitable endings. For making me miss her before I was even gone.
• Quote of the Day: by the Old Man "Every form of addiction is bad," Jung said, "no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism."
• Agenda: If all goes well ~ Bath and read, fold clothes, make soup, help with studies, be someone they can emulate, listen to them, read some more, build a fire.