"People are going deaf because music is played louder and louder, but because they're going deaf, it has to be played louder still." Milan Kundera

It was kind of silly, very over the top with all the lights and advertisements, kiss cams and scantily dressed ice girls. I sat there thinking about it and not sure what was so strategic about this game of watching men on skates chase a puck around an icy oval, a game where there doesn't even seem to be any rules... And then, something strange happened. One of the players started fighting with another one from the opposing team. The crowd cheered and the referees stood in a circle around the two brawling fellows.... then, dramatically, the security people ran from the top of the steps down to the rink to hold back a potential outburst from an angry crowd (there wasn't any, the game had just started 5 minutes before, so they were still eating their pizza). Meawhile, the two players beat the shit out of each other until one fell onto the other one, and finally, the refs interfered. No penalties, just roars of pleasure from the people in the stands. I was like, "What the hell was that?" My sister said to me, "Just part of the show."

The "show?" I really didn't get that. I thought that this was a hockey game? And yeah, I know I just wanted to be at home, so the eye I was looking through to observe all this was tainted with that ~ It does make a difference in perception of the present: being somewhere and wanting to be somewhere else. But, I wondered when I was up in the VIP area, what is so great about being a VIP? The beer is still watered down and the nachos still come in a cellophane bag and are dumped onto a plate. Sure, they take a little extra time dripping the processed cheese onto them and they do serve them on a black plastic instead of paper, but come on: they are ground corn, water and salt pasted together at a factory, baked, wrapped, delivered in a truck, opened up by someone who makes minimum wage, and then dumped out to be covered with something that only slightly resembles cheese. They aren't really real or any different from being in the regular people section. Except that there are more of them. And you have a choice of chicken or beef. And you can get more salsa on the side.

But, am I the only one who sees the things that aren't really real? Sometimes it seems like it.

Well, I tried to enjoy it, I'm a good faker ..but then, I did think to myself, ok this is where I am, I am meant to be here to see this (it's nice to pretend we have reasons for things we do, so that it makes them seem worthwhile). I thought, I am with my sister and she loves taking me places like this and she is buying, sooo... it's not costing me any money (except for the $4 hot fuge sundae with a scoop of watery "ice cream" and a teaspoon of hot fudge). And I said to myself, "Be Here Now. Eckhart Tolle says so." So did Ram Dass. I think Ram Dass said it first. But Eckhart Tolle said it recently. So anyhow, "Be here now." It's really good advice so as not to miss out on any life opportunities and lessons. Being present to your current reality is some pretty good counsel.

So, I took it all in and remained aware of it. I kept my focus on the "now," and as each moment weaved intself into the next, and eternity became the present, I was cognizant enough to realize the idea of "exactly where I am is where I need to be." And I came up with this profound conclusion: that my kitchen could have been just a little closer to being done if I would have stayed home.

"Intimate life is understood as one's personal secret, as something valuable, inviolable, the basis of one's originality..." Milan Kundera

I still have to be careful here just in case I decide to open this up to others... which right now, I'm not sure I ever will. I'm glad I've learned to allow myself that, to be open to changes. And changing my mind. But I'm enjoying the privacy.

Sometimes when I feel particularly restrictive toard myself, which is a rare thing these days - I've learned that it is mostly futile, I sort of laugh and think that as soon as I decide exactly what I'm going to do and exactly who I am now, something changes to show me that everything is in flux. Nothing is static. I will change, things around me will change.

I think it is strange how my mind has forgotten so much of what I've read of Jung, yet there are basic principles that stay with me on another level, something innate, things I've always known that I simply uncovered through my work with him. Those are the things worth keeping I suppose, the things that make me as close to real as possible, and someone I always was and am. So while I will change and maybe even forget things that I've learned, there are things that remain; a foundation of humanity that is more than reliable, it's constant.

Probably what Johnny is on about at LB. Which I'm not really sure what Johnny is on about at LB, I think he just wants to talk about interesting things and connect with friendly people. I saw that he had been over at K and I'm not sure how he was received there? Probably warmly, but it's very boring. I don't think I've ever seen such a boring group of people. I wonder what is missing there that makes it that way? Maybe it's just my own perception, I suppose there are many others who like it.... Or maybe 5 others.

I did like the movie :). It was very sweet and funny. I would have loved to have seen it alone with my daughter, but that was ok; she had a great time with her girlfriends. They weren't wild about the restaurant food, but they liked being there. Our server made it special for them and brought them wine glasses to drink their sodas :).

I had a revelation this morning! I'm a much better person the week my period starts :)

I eat better, I sleep better, I make better choices about what I say and do. I'm overall just more agreeable and nicer. I even look prettier. It's so weird! Not that I didn't realize it before, but it really impacted me this morning that life would be oh so much easier for me and my loved ones and the people around me if I went into a quiet, private place the week before my period.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these women who dread my period or have terrible cramps or bleeding or all those kinds of symptoms, and I love, LOVE, the pre-period stuff of being more creative and much more in tune with the energy around me (this is when most of the synchronicities that I tell you about happen), but my energy level is low and I'm more tired, I'm testy and terse and I say things I probably normally would reconsider and be more mindful about. It's a strange Catch-22... And some days, a lot of times, I get so saddened to think that one day I'll no longer have the cycle in my life. I've loved this part of my life even though sometimes it makes things difficult.

Well, I ran last night with Lea. It was great fun and she is such a good runner. She gets side stitches and I showed her how to breathe and stretch to relieve them. She really listens to me when I advise. She does normally, that's never been a problem, but I didn't expect to get so much of it while coaching her running. But she trusts me and that's good.

The other night she lied to me for the first time. I asked her something about something Steven had said to me. He told me that she told him that I said he couldn't play a certain game anymore (I didn't). And I became a little hot under the collar about it. She heard me respond to him and somewhat angrily, "I never said that and I'm getting a little SICK of Lea trying to control you." it wasn't the first time that day that I'd lost my temper with her and she is pretty sensitive to it.

Well, I called her down and I was pretty confrontational when I said, "Lea, why did you tell Steven that I said that?" And she was silent for a moment and then she said, "I didn't."

I took a mental step back from all of it, and just said to her, "Ok, well, just to let you and Steven know: At this point in time, he can still play that game."

(I'm sure she wanted him to stop playing it to come and play dolls or some non-media type thing with her. And it's probably a good idea and I've since decided to limit the amount of time he is spending with video games before it becomes too much of a habit)

Anyhow, I went into the kitchen and I said to Royce, "She just lied to me. This is the first time."

He said, "Do you want me to talk to her?" And I was like, "No, it's ok..." And then I said, "You know, I don't want this to be a home where anyone feels like they need to lie to be safe. People lie because they are afraid. No, I don't think she needs to be spoken to about it; I think I need to be more careful about what I'm doing and how I'm reacting so she doesn't feel the need to lie again." I never want my children to feel they are back into a corner with no choices, you know? I think that comes from creating around them a world that a child feels they can trust.

Ok, I'm off to try my hand at yoga again. It seems that this time of year is a good time to start stretching out of the old and into the new.

Tuesday evening

It's good to be in a private place again. I'm getting my footing.

I watched American Idol tonight while Royce painted the ceiling in the kitchen. I should have been painting, but I'm sort of into this show. It's not really a very good show, but I like the mindless entertainment and it's really most often completely inoffensive.

The last contestant #10, a guy called David Cook, sang a slower version of Billie Jean, the song by Michael Jackson? The arrangement was brilliant and the judges were falling all over themselves to tell him so ~ they were so excited and beside themselves being impressed with him... I would have been more impressed had I not known that it wasn't his arrangement, but Chris Cornell's...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2MgwAJrfXo

I don't mind. But it would've been cool if David Cook would have mentioned it instead of taking the credit.

Book

I love the story of "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I don't have one of those little 'dot dot' things to go over the last 'e' of her name, but you know it should be there.

I started reading it again last week, even though it is really hard for me to read in a house that is a wreck,... and also, strangely enough, indoors; I read much better outside. I prefer it. But I started to read it and I really like this particular copy:

JaneEyre

It's cloth bound, with old fashioned looking, thin, light and tan paper, with garamond font. It might be what it could have been like reading it in it's original publication, which is probably why they created it this way. There is a lovely introduction, bibliography, and also, a chronology of Charlotte's life. There is also a preface with acknowledgments written by "Currer Bell" which is the psuedonym that the book was originally published under. As you know, back then many women wrote under the name of a man in order for their works to be taken seriously as publishable.

I found this quote online in an article about Charlotte's use of the name Currer Bell, an excerpt of the book as said by the main character, Jane:

""I tell you I must go!" I retorted, roused to something like passion. "Do you think I can stay to become nothing to you? Do you think I am an automaton?... Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! I have as much soul as you-and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty, and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, or even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal -- as we are."

What a firecracker. She really needed to believe that though before she knew it. I don't think she knew it until she left Mr. Rochester and found her own life, independent of him. Then when she returned to him she was able to give herself wholely to him, as a true equal. It's so interesting that we can be the most in genuine service to those we love when we find with confidence that we are the master of our own life.

But it's one of my favorite stories, and one I think about often. (Also, "Wuthering Heights" by her sister Emily, and the book "Ethan Frome" by Edith Wharton. Loads of tragedy and romance in all of them).

Hello again :)

Back here for the time being.