Soft

Another blasted rough day yesterday but I can see the sky is changing, I am leaving the storm where it continues in the past. I am walking into a soft rain.

I noticed I wrote something once and I decided to bring it here for safekeeping:

"After days and days of storms here, we finally woke to a gentle rain. It's like nature gave up her fury and resolved to just weep.

As I'm listening to the sounds of James Taylor and I take a peek out into the soft morning from my kitchen window where there hangs the dragonfly chime that sprinkles a perfect pitch as I gently brush my hand along her underbelly; below that is a single light, a candle that we lit here for XXX.

Remember the Dragonfly thread?

"Hi XXX, Sitting in my kitchen and listening to a wonderful trumpet concerto by Telemann, I looked up at the ceiling and saw a delicate,ophiolite green mayfly doing some random walk. (We are in June, but mayflies happen to be just called that.) Now that was the beastie behind my original "midge".
They live a full lifespan within a few days. Earlier this evening, I heard Händel's Messiah, with an accompanying story about its creation by Stefan Zweig."O Death, where is thy Sting?"Peace be with you."

After being overtaken by fury and confusion, grief settles in me and God's healing flows from my eyes

I've seen fire and rain
I've see sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again..."

Someone yesterday called me Miss Innocent and I've never felt innocent. I've always felt guilt about myself over my own frailties and mistakes ~ that I should have somehow been strong or wise enough to rise above them. Sometimes I could fake it, but it always came back down to my own humanity and my confusion over it, sometimes choosing up sides and then remembering that I forgot that there were no sides at all. Making choices of the heart that made no sense. And living with it later.

No Saving Grace here, to be sure.

But, see me and think what you will, but I am not any more than you. I am also not any less.

And I am here only briefly, and it is going by so fast, I have not one more minute to not love my life as it is.

This morning I slept in after a fitful sleep and as I came to consciousness I felt a hand stroking my hair. I thought at first it was a man's hand, but it was too little. And I looked over to see Lea. She's smiling and she's glad I have awakened, she's glad that I am back with her.

Good morning, sweetheart.
Hi. I just woke up.
So did I.
Can we have breakfast now?
Sure.