Ruminating

Giving things up slowly over the past years. Things I never really held onto with much passion anyhow... Politics went to the wayside. I thought I cared, but really cared more about caring about it, and I gave that up too.

Gave up education. Someone asked me the other day how I measure the kids learning and I never think about that. I was just up in the tub with Lea and we were talking about nothing at all that would mean anything to anyone but us, but it meant something to us so how can it be measured. Their learning is the same way. They ask a question and we try answer it or find the answer, if it satisifies them, that's good if they want to know more, we just keep going with it.

I find that I am pulling myself farther and farther from the mainstream but with not any rejection ~ I'm not disappointed by it, I'm not making a statement ~ I just see things another way. I want to sit in a bathtub and cry long with heavy tears, and never wonder how it appears or why it is happening, I don't want to fix the things I am... I want to grieve my grief without shame. I want to feel my happiness unrestrained, and I do. Let the river flow I say....

Lea and I were laying back in the tub and she was spitting water out like a fountain. I remembered a poem I wrote about Steven when he was little, I called it Naked Fountain and it went,

Raphael Darling
Blue wading pool
Bronzed skinned
In bright sunlight

Little boy sings
Wonders about
A twinkling star
One thousand years dead

No matter
Only this day exists
In sparkling water
Contained in round plastic

He stands in the middle
Reaching limbs to the light
No movement
A naked fountain

Sweet cherub
With Fishes
Spitting water
To heaven

A certain one somebody or 'nuther will be looking through ancient remnants of old blogs and read that a thousand years from now and think, what the hell does that mean, what does round plastic have to do with anything... then, scientists, they'll dig through our mountains of trash heaps, and find a million of those little blue swimming pools with turtles and fish superimposed on them....and that certain one somebody will go "Oh, I get it."

Steven is calling from the stairs asking for "skettios." How much longer will he say it like that? How much longer will Lea hop in the tub with me and let me wash her hair? Does it matter ....(smiling) No, I don't think it does.

Here is where I say: I am glad I have given up books that offer me ideas about my life limits and pursuits. I read poetry, and stories to the kids, the rest I have shelved for another certain one somebody or 'nuther who is looking for guidebooks and digging up reasons for their lives and why they are here.