It's morning on the homefront. I'm awake. It's still dark outside but it's overcast with gray clouds holding water; not much rain, it spits and sputters it's trouble, then blows away. Not much to it, but typical of the season... which is the only thing typical ~ As I was leaving work last night it felt like a balmy summer evening, except for the fact that it's not and somehow my mind and body know that, so even while I was saying it I felt the untruth in the idea of it: It feels a certain way, but you know it's not the same; the season's changed.

Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs1DX32t38c

Ok so, I'm working at the shop a few days a week, and I'm working at night and one weekend day somewhere else, which is turning out to be a somewhat pleasant surprise. I like it. The kids are homeschooling and involved in various activities; it's going relatively well. Last month, as I was trying to implement all the ideas and plans for our lives it seemed I was exhausted all of the time, but now that it is a working schedule, it's pretty manageable. I'm still tired, but not frazzled. Well not always.

I'm worried for Nicholas, he's stuck and has said he's lost a sense of who he is. I remember that time in my life so well. I remember it just like it just happened and I suppose in a way it has and over the years it's been that way often, so it is easy for me to relate to him.

But the time in between 18 and 20 is a dramatic time, yes, I mean it's the first big transition into the realization that life is really hard, so there is a drama to living life at this stage that looms so large even though comparatively it is small when looking back on your time here. I went through much harder things later in life, some horrible, but in retrospect that time of late teens and early 20's, it was so confusing. It seems huge and it seems to be forever ~ And there is this strange play of the mind at this stage, as it is evolving, where you still believe that you are the center the world, as you always have as a child; and then, as an emerging adult, you are overcome with the new idea that you are so completely insignificant. If it wasn't so painful, it would be beautiful. Because later, you kind of make the connection between the two and understand that you are both.

But anyhow, I remember wanting to sleep all day, to go to bed and lay in the comfort of slumber, pillows and blankets, and never get up; I remember I'd also get these urges of wanting to do something outrageous and exciting, and jump in my car or on a bike and go..anywhere and see everything. I remember the shame of doing nothing all day and making sure-plans for the next one, determined of doing something new, and then, the next day ending and it turning out looking a lot like the day before...

I really remember hoping to discover that one morning or afternoon I would wake and that this would be the day that I have found that my life means something.

In that respect, I guess it remains this way through our lives.

Ok, I've got to get going. I have another day full of things to do.

Reading: You Shall Know Our Velocity by Dave Eggers
What I had for supper: Mediterranean Chili and a roll, two bite sized butterfingers and a chocolate foil cat.
What I bowled last week: 117, 100 and 111 (Nine-Pin Karen is improving)
My secret pleasure this week: Taking 3 pair of trousers to the cleaners and only paying $6.28 to have them cleaned ~ Picking them up and having them freshly pressed far outweighed that though.
Weekend plans: Family supper with my dad tonight, working tomorrow, then home for Nacho night and a movie (We're going to watch We Are Marshall and that's all there is to it), All day at home Sunday (please, please, please). Theresa and Todd, we may see them ~ I hope so.

I read this thing the other day, I think it was Annie LaMott who wrote it, she said that there are two prayers: One is "Please, Please, Please" and the other is "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you..."

Isn't that true? Hm.

For my dutch uncle tromping around in the east: I miss you. Don't eat anything with the word canis in it.

Last, my mom would have a birthday tomorrow if she were still here. Forever sleeping at 59 1/2 and greatly loved. Sweet dreams mom:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaBp4xKOoug