Home sweet home yesterday, I had no idea how revitalizing a day like that can be. Or I did, but I forgot... Ok, I didn't forget but I had to get to the state of utter unendurance before I remembered, I had to meltdown...and beg for a day to stay home even at the risk of alienating loved ones and other relationships... I might believe that I was on the edge of losing it ... Maybe not, but it sounds more grave that way... :)
The colors here in Ohio are vibrant and burning in the new angle of the fall sun, and driving in Friday evening I tried to take it in. I miss so much of it most days...or probably I see it, but it's like drive-thru moments. A-double-cheeseburger-and-milkshake-on-an-empty-stomach-in-the-car kinda reflection.
I was glad and grateful to have a whole day Sunday to really live in it. I'm normally pretty quiet, but yesterday I was like.. I was being like a monk. I spoke when I had to and only in low tones. Mostly I vowed silence. For no other reason than I was sick of hearing my own voice, tired of answering questions and making decisions with my mouth...
And I was sitting out by the fire last night after the sun went down and the waxing moon held it's borrowed light on the sycamore, the oak and locust in my back yard. The leaves that are left on them, the angles of the awkward branches stretched this way or that, the movement of a breeze through them only I could hear and feel and think about while surrounded by these giants that just sit there day after day and grow and live and don't even.... Ok, I was struck with the idea of me being their awareness.
I was at a lecture last Spring and the astronomer was telling about the beauty of Saturn, it's vast girth and dirty, bright, sparkling rings, it's spinning foreverness, and then he said, "It is so gorgeous and enduring, yet it doesn't even know itself..." And last evening recollecting the profund idea of that, there I was, the "small and meek," sitting there on the chair laying back with my barefeet up on the rocks, looking up into the branches and realizing them... the cat rolled up against my chest where I could feel the beat of her little heart in my belly, the heat of the fire on my toes, listening to the nightsounds, smelling the trippy decomposition of the dying leaves, honing in on the distant rumble of the freeway, catching the whirl of the planet and the moon lifting the light a little more.. I knew it all for it all, all of it through me, for about 16 seconds before my thoughts caught on another doorknob in my mind as it closed off the awareness of being this one...thing; of being at home with everything and being the window for everything to see itself. And so, before it closed and my mind was swallowed into another direction of thought grace let me drift back there for another second, and a quick peek later, I decided how strange it is that a person can feel so mighty and so tiny all in one sweep.
The colors here in Ohio are vibrant and burning in the new angle of the fall sun, and driving in Friday evening I tried to take it in. I miss so much of it most days...or probably I see it, but it's like drive-thru moments. A-double-cheeseburger-and-milkshake-on-an-empty-stomach-in-the-car kinda reflection.
I was glad and grateful to have a whole day Sunday to really live in it. I'm normally pretty quiet, but yesterday I was like.. I was being like a monk. I spoke when I had to and only in low tones. Mostly I vowed silence. For no other reason than I was sick of hearing my own voice, tired of answering questions and making decisions with my mouth...
And I was sitting out by the fire last night after the sun went down and the waxing moon held it's borrowed light on the sycamore, the oak and locust in my back yard. The leaves that are left on them, the angles of the awkward branches stretched this way or that, the movement of a breeze through them only I could hear and feel and think about while surrounded by these giants that just sit there day after day and grow and live and don't even.... Ok, I was struck with the idea of me being their awareness.
I was at a lecture last Spring and the astronomer was telling about the beauty of Saturn, it's vast girth and dirty, bright, sparkling rings, it's spinning foreverness, and then he said, "It is so gorgeous and enduring, yet it doesn't even know itself..." And last evening recollecting the profund idea of that, there I was, the "small and meek," sitting there on the chair laying back with my barefeet up on the rocks, looking up into the branches and realizing them... the cat rolled up against my chest where I could feel the beat of her little heart in my belly, the heat of the fire on my toes, listening to the nightsounds, smelling the trippy decomposition of the dying leaves, honing in on the distant rumble of the freeway, catching the whirl of the planet and the moon lifting the light a little more.. I knew it all for it all, all of it through me, for about 16 seconds before my thoughts caught on another doorknob in my mind as it closed off the awareness of being this one...thing; of being at home with everything and being the window for everything to see itself. And so, before it closed and my mind was swallowed into another direction of thought grace let me drift back there for another second, and a quick peek later, I decided how strange it is that a person can feel so mighty and so tiny all in one sweep.
posted by SPOA | 6:35 AM
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