In my dream I was at the house I lived in from when I was 14 until I was around 26.
Just background: I'd moved out a few times, but came back home when my baby was born, we lived with my parents for 2 years until I found a place for us. They divorced when I was 27 or 28 and they sold the house, and it was as hard a loss as the divorce was. A year or so later my mother died in the car crash.
Anyway, in my dreams I am often in this house. I was in it in my dream this morning along with my current family and I was the age I am now. I was returning to it and decided to stay there because it was apparently abandoned by the current owner. Yet, even though I knew another family had lived there, some of my mothers things were still there, random things, yet not fully furnished or decorated: the dining room table, a painting... just one of the set though (by a man who actually is my neighbor now), another painting which in my dream I seemed to recognize but upon waking I realised I dodn't know it and it wasn't ever in the house. I don't remember the image now. I seem to remember it being feminine somehow. I was very emotional about all of this in the dream but kept it at bay, I was joyful and hopeful but I was not going to be overcome when I decided that I was going to stay.
I just kept wondering why my mother's things were still there and I peeked around the corner to see if she was in the kitchen but it was empty, so I knew she was really gone. I was o.k. with this, but I was hopeful to see her there; just resigned to knowing I wouldn't. I still spent a lot of time looking around for familiar items to recollect. There were many and I was happy to see them, but also disturbed that someone else had been using them.
It turned to night and everyone was gone. It was only me and I went out to the porch and down the walkway to the driveway. Strangely an old car I owned was there, the one I had when I move away the last time. I noticed that the outside of the house was like it was when my parents lived there ~ very neat, clean, new. My dad had had the house built for him so he aways maintained it like it was new. Over the years after they left the new owners never maintained it that way and it disappoints me when I ride past it if I'm out on my bike.
In the dream I heard singing coming from the garage and I thought maybe the new owner was hiding in there and thought that we'd all left not knowing I was still there, and I was afraid that they'd make us leave, but the song was familiar so I wasn't afraid. I went back in the house and observed some more things and then my (current) family returned. I heard the song again and I noticed that it was Steven who was singing it and that it was the Star Wars theme (in life he often hums this). I was relieved to the idea that no one lived there anymore and it could be mine and I could fix it to look like it had before.
We went outdoors and I noticed that it was different from when I'd lived there. The terrain had changed and I thought it must have been due to some serious erosion. I noticed that the woods had been cleared to accomodate another house behind my parents home, so it wasn't as isolated as I remember. I was with a boy I know in life named David. He helps in my children's drama classes and I saw him yesterday. My association with him is just about close to nil, but in the dream he seemed a close friend of some kind. We were skirting some kind of small ridge to get to a very well-worn path. I thought to myself how my dad had cut those paths, but how the new owners must have used them to get to the woods. There was a lot of poison ivy on the trees and RW warned us about it, but we wanted to get through to the other side. David was distracted and said to me, but more to himself, "I need to get that electronic device that seems to be down there." And I looked down to see a cell phone and I offered him a hand down. He refused it and went on his own to pick it up and I saw him look over at a pile of leaves. There was a woman's leg sticking out of it. I knew it had to be a corpse. He pushed the leaves away and picked up the body and said to me because I was obviously alarmed, "It's just salt, it's just made of salt." We both acted as if it was common to find a nude body of a woman made of salt in the backyard.
We left the body and headed back into the house to wash the poison ivy from our hands. I told him we need to use very hot water and soap to remove it otherwise the oils would react with our skin and even though I scrubbed I couldn't get it all off.
I woke up around this point and I was crying in my sleep. It was very emotional for me. And I'm not really certain why. I never post dreams and rarely tell anyone about them. The signals are generally revealed to me easily, but this one is a bit of a conundrum, because of the salt body, because of the emotional state I was in following it when I awoke.
I have to add that I loved this house; for all it's four (or more..it was a big beautiful house) walls, it holds a lot of living energy for me. Even in my thoughts and even after all of the houses I've lived in since it, my memory often gets confused about it when someone mentions a room in the house I currently live in; my memory still conjures the rooms in the house from my young adulthood. And my dreams take me back to it.
I wanted to say too, that I don't crave living in it, not consciously. I really prefer my life now. My age now, my time now. I do miss my mother, but it's not as acute as it was. I'm often grateful she seemed to have sacrificed her time here by dying early so I could learn to be the mother, a role I greatly cherish. But the house, the one in the dream, seemed palpably devoid of her presence. Is this relevant? I'm not sure.
But it was still all so sad for me this morning, I'm not sure about the emotional reaction to this. It's very interesting.
Just background: I'd moved out a few times, but came back home when my baby was born, we lived with my parents for 2 years until I found a place for us. They divorced when I was 27 or 28 and they sold the house, and it was as hard a loss as the divorce was. A year or so later my mother died in the car crash.
Anyway, in my dreams I am often in this house. I was in it in my dream this morning along with my current family and I was the age I am now. I was returning to it and decided to stay there because it was apparently abandoned by the current owner. Yet, even though I knew another family had lived there, some of my mothers things were still there, random things, yet not fully furnished or decorated: the dining room table, a painting... just one of the set though (by a man who actually is my neighbor now), another painting which in my dream I seemed to recognize but upon waking I realised I dodn't know it and it wasn't ever in the house. I don't remember the image now. I seem to remember it being feminine somehow. I was very emotional about all of this in the dream but kept it at bay, I was joyful and hopeful but I was not going to be overcome when I decided that I was going to stay.
I just kept wondering why my mother's things were still there and I peeked around the corner to see if she was in the kitchen but it was empty, so I knew she was really gone. I was o.k. with this, but I was hopeful to see her there; just resigned to knowing I wouldn't. I still spent a lot of time looking around for familiar items to recollect. There were many and I was happy to see them, but also disturbed that someone else had been using them.
It turned to night and everyone was gone. It was only me and I went out to the porch and down the walkway to the driveway. Strangely an old car I owned was there, the one I had when I move away the last time. I noticed that the outside of the house was like it was when my parents lived there ~ very neat, clean, new. My dad had had the house built for him so he aways maintained it like it was new. Over the years after they left the new owners never maintained it that way and it disappoints me when I ride past it if I'm out on my bike.
In the dream I heard singing coming from the garage and I thought maybe the new owner was hiding in there and thought that we'd all left not knowing I was still there, and I was afraid that they'd make us leave, but the song was familiar so I wasn't afraid. I went back in the house and observed some more things and then my (current) family returned. I heard the song again and I noticed that it was Steven who was singing it and that it was the Star Wars theme (in life he often hums this). I was relieved to the idea that no one lived there anymore and it could be mine and I could fix it to look like it had before.
We went outdoors and I noticed that it was different from when I'd lived there. The terrain had changed and I thought it must have been due to some serious erosion. I noticed that the woods had been cleared to accomodate another house behind my parents home, so it wasn't as isolated as I remember. I was with a boy I know in life named David. He helps in my children's drama classes and I saw him yesterday. My association with him is just about close to nil, but in the dream he seemed a close friend of some kind. We were skirting some kind of small ridge to get to a very well-worn path. I thought to myself how my dad had cut those paths, but how the new owners must have used them to get to the woods. There was a lot of poison ivy on the trees and RW warned us about it, but we wanted to get through to the other side. David was distracted and said to me, but more to himself, "I need to get that electronic device that seems to be down there." And I looked down to see a cell phone and I offered him a hand down. He refused it and went on his own to pick it up and I saw him look over at a pile of leaves. There was a woman's leg sticking out of it. I knew it had to be a corpse. He pushed the leaves away and picked up the body and said to me because I was obviously alarmed, "It's just salt, it's just made of salt." We both acted as if it was common to find a nude body of a woman made of salt in the backyard.
We left the body and headed back into the house to wash the poison ivy from our hands. I told him we need to use very hot water and soap to remove it otherwise the oils would react with our skin and even though I scrubbed I couldn't get it all off.
I woke up around this point and I was crying in my sleep. It was very emotional for me. And I'm not really certain why. I never post dreams and rarely tell anyone about them. The signals are generally revealed to me easily, but this one is a bit of a conundrum, because of the salt body, because of the emotional state I was in following it when I awoke.
I have to add that I loved this house; for all it's four (or more..it was a big beautiful house) walls, it holds a lot of living energy for me. Even in my thoughts and even after all of the houses I've lived in since it, my memory often gets confused about it when someone mentions a room in the house I currently live in; my memory still conjures the rooms in the house from my young adulthood. And my dreams take me back to it.
I wanted to say too, that I don't crave living in it, not consciously. I really prefer my life now. My age now, my time now. I do miss my mother, but it's not as acute as it was. I'm often grateful she seemed to have sacrificed her time here by dying early so I could learn to be the mother, a role I greatly cherish. But the house, the one in the dream, seemed palpably devoid of her presence. Is this relevant? I'm not sure.
But it was still all so sad for me this morning, I'm not sure about the emotional reaction to this. It's very interesting.
posted by SPOA | 9:59 AM
3 Comments:
I dream often anough about the house I lived in from birth until age 18. My parents had divorced, all four kids out of high school, the house was difficult to maintain. Still, we all traumatized losing it. My dad had grown up in that house. We threw out so much wonderful stuff, my grandmother's old clothes, books, things that had always been there. I have felt homeless ever since.
I can understand that.
Wow, I can't touch on the emotions of all of this (or pretend to be able to analyze it as a dream!), but I just wanted to say it was so clear and beautifully written... like a short story.
I was not tied to a house as a child - we moved often and always rented. Now that I am on the adult/parenting end of things and working hard to create a home for my children (emotionally AND literally, as we build and remodel constantly!), I wonder how it will ever be for them - or for me - if we leave this house. Will I want to live here after they are grown? Will they *expect* me to? Would I ever be able to leave after all the work my husband has done here with his own hands? In many ways, I don't like being so associated with this house now...
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